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Covid Confessions - Part One

I’m going to post some thoughts and reflections I’ve experienced during this….experience. Take it or leave it.

I understand that I’m not a parent. I understand that I live with another human being and therefor have real life contact with a person. I understand that I have found myself with a crap ton of ‘free time’ because I’ve been out of work. But none of that changes my experience of my experience unless I let it. My experience is no more or less valuable because of those circumstances. Experience is experience.

No matter what circumstances we find ourselves in, here’s one thing I know for sure: Covid has left us tired, fatigued, and everything feeling like it’s harder.

And that’s because it is.

Our brains make it so. They are wired for patterns and habits. That’s how we survive. The brain takes activities, thoughts, anything we do often and wires a habit so that we won’t waste energy doing these things over and over. Imagine if you had to brush your teeth for the first time every time. Or every time you got behind the wheel of your car was like driving for the first time. Or merging onto the Freeway. Or walking. You’d be exhausted! You may make it into work but by the time you got there you’d be done for – no more left in the tank. The brain makes habits, and Covid threw that right out the window!

You may have the habit of going to the gym for your workout, but now the living room is your gym. You may still have the habit, but the execution is harder. You’re navigating new obstacles and distractions and that takes more energy. Same with everyone still working. Same for those who aren’t working – their habit and patterns have really been disrupted! Same for those with kids. Everything is just harder. And I hate to be the bearer of bad news: but the same will be true when we do ‘go back’. It won’t be the same. There will be new terrain to navigate, and it too will be harder.

So yes, give yourself some grace here. Give everyone grace.

Having said that, I’ve been very intentional about using this time to lay the groundwork for where I want to go – what I want my life to look like – after all of this.

No, it has not exactly been easy. It never is. There are plenty of distractions – with or without kids – with or without work – with or without Covid. (Please refer to habit and patterns above.) The really hard part though is this: we have to get really honest with ourselves. And when we do that, we have to take responsibility. It’s easier to distract. It’s easier to blame. It’s easier to stay ‘stuck’.

For years, I have found myself saying, “I don’t have time”. Guess what: I’ve got nothing but time on my hands now. And yet, I have still found that little phrase popping into my head, “I don’t have time”. It sounds just like me. So much so that I’m certain it is me, and I wouldn’t lie to me, right? Wrong. These 4 words have led me to bail on myself, my goals, things I say are important to me time after time after time. Covid has made me realize that.

Now I want to be very clear: I love my job. I love helping people feel better and move better. I love my clients, and the lovely, magical studio where I work. BUT, I also want to grow my coaching business. I have wildly wonderful, big, scary dreams for that. And, not to mention, I didn’t move across the country to be a Pilates instructor. Or a Coach. I haven’t done a whole lot with that dream. That’s on me. Not ‘the business’. Not the people who make decisions. Not the agents. Not what ‘they’ think is acceptable. I’m not showing up every day. It’s on me.

“You can have your dreams or your drama, but you can’t have both.”

Coach Lisa Carpenter told me that. I believe in the power of having a coach. They help you see the things you can’t see when you’re in your bubble, your trench, your sh*t.

If I’m wallowing about trying to find a way to change that doesn't require a commitment to what I want more than a commitment to my suffering, I’ll spend my life looking for a way that simply doesn't exist.

So, I had to ask myself: what have I been committed to?

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