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Covid Confessions Part 3

I’m committing to breaking up with my addiction to suffering, frustration, and making everything so damn hard.

I’m not special. And that’s not a bad thing.

Everyone is capable of doing this.

Committing does not mean perfection.

Commitment means showing up in the process.

Regardless of ease.

I know for a fact that I can do hard things.

I also know that because of that I make everything hard – because if I can accomplish it – overcome it – well that means something about me.

Except I’m the only one making it mean something about me – whether I succeed or not.

What if something can be easy, and it’s ok that it’s easy?

I can’t count the number of times I’ve dismissed an accomplishment simply because it was easy.

“Other people struggle with this, and I did it easily, therefor I shouldn’t celebrate it because I didn’t really accomplish anything.” It’s insane.

The funny thing is, for me, it’s usually an either/or.

I’m either over committed or not committed at all.

Well, that’s not exactly true, because I’ve often found that ‘not committed’ is simply being committed to not being committed……but I’ll use ‘not committed’ for this example.

More often than not, I find myself super committed, all in, 100% full steam ahead!

…..and then I burn out. Or I get frustrated.

Why? Because I don’t get the results I want.

What does it mean if I don’t get the results I want?

It means I’m a failure. It means I’m not good enough. It means I’m stupid (hello, member of the star student club here), or not worthy enough (she’s 800 million times better than me – begin shame spiral), or not valuable enough (they don’t need me because I bring nothing new, exciting, special to the table).

Now I realize, that if any one of my friends said anything remotely close to that I would be saying, “ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!”

I firmly believe my super power is that I can see the possibilities in you that you cannot see for yourself.

…….I just can’t use my super power for myself…….

That’s the power of meaning.

If I don’t get the results I want it doesn’t mean any of those things.

I make it mean those things.

Conversely, say I do get the results I want. What does it mean about me? It means I’m a hard worker. It means I lucked out. I usually tie it to ‘Imposter Syndrome’ - where I don’t feel like I’m good enough to or qualified enough to be doing what I’m doing or having the results I’m having.

(BTW: Imposter Syndrome isn’t actually a real thing….more on that later.)

…..anyone seeing a theme here…..?

Turns out my self-worth is in the sh*tter.

If I don’t get the outcomes I want it’s because I’m a failure.

If I do get the outcomes I want I’m a fraud.

Either way: I never win. I’m never enough.

And I’ve never realized that before.

It was a real punch in the gut. Or heart rather.

And the thing is: I’m not alone on this. I see it soooo clearly in my clients.

Again, my super power – I can see the possibilities for you.

But we all have our Blind Spots.

We can’t see outside of the trench because our emotions, our attachments, our stories are getting in the way. But ANY ONE ELSE outside of those emotions, attachments, and stories are looking at you saying, “Just stand up.”

You know the video of the kid struggling in the pool, holding on to the rope for dear life, then he put his feet down and stood up?

Yeah, that’s us.

We do this with attachments, expectations, emotions, and stories. And we make ourselves miserable in the process.

So now I’ve found myself with an interesting choice: continue doing what I’m doing or start practicing some self-worth.

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