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Covid Confessions Part 2

So, what have I been committed to?

My stuck-ness – focusing on all the ways and reasons nothing in my life can change.

Being Busy – if I’m busy ‘working hard’ I can prove how much ‘I deserve’.

Making things hard – all the striving, and pushing, and struggle to prove ‘I’m worthy’ – that I’m good enough. Because if I can succeed even though ‘things are so hard’ then what I’ve achieved if more valuable, right?

Netflix/Prime/Hulu/TV – in the name of ‘research’ for acting and screenwriting and ‘unwinding’.

Social Media – in the name of ‘business building’ and ‘connecting’.

Politics – obsessing over and consumption of in the name of ‘being informed’ and ‘caring’.

That list above lead to this more general list:

Self-censorship – the constant re-running of and being extremely careful of what I say and how it might be interpreted. Please see last two topics on list above. I craft, I make sure to be as neutral as possible, because heaven forbid someone doesn’t like what I say. It’s exhausting. And no matter what, there is always someone who doesn’t like what I say…..

Self-Doubt – What did I say that was so offensive? I go back and re-read, dissect every word, make mental notes of what went wrong, and chastise myself to for thinking I could possibly trust myself to voice my neutral opinion. Insert Shame Spiral. Which inevitably leads to….

Being Right – How dare you tell me my opinion isn’t important! (Usually not even close to what was actually said.) I’ll show you how Right I am! I’ll show you how much I matter!

This is where I make a response to the comment….from the place of ‘being right’.

But I don’t acknowledge that’s where it’s coming from.

Instead, I call it, educating. Informing. Clarifying.

No matter what I call it it’s really one thing: Ego.

Ego is powerful and a master at manipulating us to do it’s bidding. Ego is the justifier.

But remember: the bad guy never thinks he’s the bad guy; he always has his reasons.

Here’s the funny thing, the irony: I, like everyone in the world, want to be seen and heard.

It is a universal human need.

But I want it on my terms – in the way I want to be seen and heard – and if it’s any other way (not as much as I want, not in the light I want, not in the interpretation, meaning, or circumstance that I want), well, please refer to the above list again.

I waste a lot of time and energy on these things.

I’m also certain I’m not the only one.

And not just in the moment. I replay everything over and over and over again in my head.

I create the loop so that the next time I can replay and restart the loop even faster.

Again, certain I’m not the only one.

I want that time and energy back.

How many of us are constantly saying, “I don’t have time” or “I’m too tired”?

But I have to choose which I want to keep: Committing to these limitations and stories, or Committing to where I want to go.

Am I willing to let go of those limitations?

Am I willing to let go of those stories?

Am I willing to let go of worrying about what I say?

Am I willing to let go of being busy?

Am I willing to let go of ‘being right’?

Am I willing to let go of self-doubt?

Am I willing to acknowledge my Ego for what it is?

You can’t out run, out busy, out do your thoughts.

You can’t out run your emotions; they’ll show up in your habits and behaviors.

What thoughts and emotions have these limitations been creating?

Anger. Resentment. Frustration. Overwhelm. Jealousy. Loneliness.

These emotions don’t just show up, they hold you hostage in your habits and behaviors.

The habit of turning on the news to my news source of choice.

The habit of reacting to social media.

The habit of the shame spiral.

The habit of thought patterns.

The habit of blame.

It’s time to break up with my addiction to suffering, frustration, and making everything so damn hard.

This is what coaching looks like. Feels like. The process is like this.

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